Sarah sedlack, MSW

SEXUALITY AND INTIMACY COACH

MY NAME IS SARAH SEDLACK, AND my coaching practice is built on the idea that our bodies have the power to inform our decisions and shape our experiences, as we do in our response.

SUPPORTING OUR SEXUAL AND INTIMATE WELLBEING requires taking ownership of our desires, feelings, and needs; and effectively and empathically communicating them. With the lack of available and accessible quality sex education, experiencing any sort of problem or challenge in our sexual or intimate lives can be a confusing, scary, isolating, and even painful process. But with the right support, learning about who we are as sexual and intimate beings can create opportunities for a deep transformation. That’s what I am here for. To facilitate your process into nurturing your sexual and intimacy wellbeing in a way that has you feeling more deeply and authentically connected to yourself and your intimate ones.

THE GAP BETWEEN WHAT WE KNOW AND WHAT WE HAVE YET TO DISCOVER is the heart of our work. Through both my lived and educational experiences, I have learned ways to deeply play in this place of uncertainty. Before I learned how to harness my inherent strengths, in certain contexts, uncertainty felt like I was completely out of control which at the time, felt intolerably scary. Also, my reactions felt automatic. But it was in my transformative learning experiences - where I internalized and integrated educational material into my life - where I started to learn how to stretch the space that exists before the reaction. You know the phrase, the only thing you can control is yourself? I’ve heard it my whole life, but usually it’s offered as a gesture of comfort after the big upset. I started looking inward and asking myself questions like, what if I could slow down and spread out the moments that feel automatic and out of my control? What can I do in the moment to better ensure my psychological safety, while also allowing for discovery? Where am I feeling resistance, blocked, or stuck and how can I move forward? Over time, I learned to apply existing tools while also creating personalized tools to shift my problems into spaces of learning, connection, play, healing, and eroticism.

In our work together, I will facilitate you in

• seeing and understanding where your margins are (or the zones outside of what you know or what you are comfortable with),

• seeing and understanding where you are in your margins, and

• discovering and learning ways to move through them that feels good to everyone involved.

Essentially, I will facilitate you in channeling your strengths and your curiosity in the face of uncertainty in ways that support your sexual and intimacy wellbeing rather than threaten it.

ANOTHER CORE PIECE OF OUR WORK TOGETHER is learning to own the ways that we have hurt others and listening to what is needed to repair the hurt. We cannot avoid hurting. What we can do is learn more connecting ways to respond to the hurt in our relationships, both in the moment and in the aftermath.

A layer of this work involves noticing and understanding the ways we have felt hurt by both the people we care about and the society at large. We cannot avoid hurting because violence is interwoven in the very fabric of our society (such as, racism, sexism, fat phobia, rape or sexual assault, war and murder). That impacts us, whether we are aware of it or not. In this work, we may learn to distinguish between toxic behaviors and healthy or connecting behaviors. Then we can begin to notice our toxic behaviors and begin the process of unlearning them.

We face the hurting. We nurture it. We hold ourselves and our loved ones accountable. We more deeply connect than ever.

Becoming

I was on the hunt
for fulfillment
thinking it was easy
thinking it was simple

Out there in the world, I am
echos inside, she hides 

My eyes were open
eyelids blinking
and I saw nothing

Everything was there
only to be
seen later

Inside, she aches
to burst into flames
I slither in yin and burn

Particles of smoke
search the sky
only part of me knows

Out there in the world, I am

Above in my space

Over and looking out

Moving forward and upward

Into me

Into me

I started to learn to see

Monster was my shame
Toxic was my survival 

I knew love and I distorted it
Not by myself--I know that
though I interpreted it

I had to learn to see this as such
and then deeper,
over again

Before I provide my educational background and intentions around coaching you, I’d like to share some concepts that are integral to my coaching practice.

• CULTURE: “collective thinking or behavior” —Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh

  Cultural norms, attitudes and beliefs around sex, sexuality, and relationships can have us feeling inadequate, damaged, broken, wrong or not normal. There are components of culture that can have us believe that there are right ways to have sex and wrong ways to have sex, worthy people to have sex with and unworthy people that don’t deserve sex, or that any sex problem can be easily fixed through the consumption of something. Part of our work may involve a process of understanding the cultural messages around sexuality and how they impact you.

• CULTURAL HUMILITY: values the person as the expert of their own experience. It provides me with a framework for my coaching practice as it shifts my role of coach from expert to learner and collaborator. It assumes that no cultural idea or practice shares a universal truth and that context matters in understanding and helping people. Engaging in cultural humility is life-long work involving deep reflection into my own culture and biases (both unconscious and conscious) I hold about other cultures. This enables me to provide service and information in a way that is compatible with the cultural landscape relevant to my clients. In terms of sexuality, it is unique to each and every individual. In this way, none of us can assume that we share the same sexual attitudes and experiences with any given person. So, practicing cultural humility is key in my approach to coaching.

• SEXUALITY: “…a central aspect of being human throughout life encompasses sex, gender identities and roles, sexual orientation, eroticism, pleasure, intimacy and reproduction. Sexuality is experienced and expressed in thoughts, fantasies, desires, beliefs, attitudes, values, behaviors, practices, roles and relationships. While sexuality can include all of these dimensions, not all of them are always experienced or expressed. Sexuality is influenced by the interaction of biological, psychological, social, economic, political, cultural, legal, historical, religious and spiritual factors.” —the World Health Organization, 2006a

• SEXUAL HEALTH: “…a state of physical, emotional, mental and social well-being in relation to sexuality; it is not merely the absence of disease, dysfunction or infirmity (physical or mental weakness). Sexual health requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination and violence. For sexual health to be attained and maintained, the sexual rights of all persons must be respected, protected and fulfilled.” —the World Health Organization, 2006a

The definitions of sexuality and sexual health demonstrate the complexities of our sexuality and how it is interconnected with all other aspects of our lives. So, important to understanding sexual desire, arousal, and expression is a deep consideration for the contextual factors that surround and impact sexual desire, arousal, and expression.

• INTIMACY: is connection, deepened connection. Practicing intimacy is the giving and receiving of empathy, attentiveness, and vulnerability on a foundation of trust. It’s seeing each other and being seen. It is showing up for each other and meeting each other in the way that it is needed. Sometimes this is easier said than done especially if we’re busy, stressed, upset, scared or tired. Part of the work may involve noticing when it’s difficult to connect, why it’s difficult, and discovering ways to move through that difficulty.

“Sarah is a good fit for anyone who is interested in exploring the uncharted territory of their inner being and how they relate to the people they love or want to love.” —queer woman, 29

Sexuality and intimacy involve multiple layers and dimensions within ourselves and outside of ourselves. Because of this complex nature, I utilize a transdisciplinary or holistic approach to coaching incorporating research, and evidence-based techniques from fields including, but not limited to: relationship science, trauma, psychology, social work, intersectional feminism, sexual health, and queer theory. I approach this work with thoughtful and critical attentiveness to ensure that I don’t feed you misinformation or biased information. We will develop and strengthen skills in

• mindfulness or emotional regulation;

• effective, responsive, and sexual communication (both verbally and nonverbally); and,

• erotic empowerment.

My coaching methods are rooted in both what has already been created (what we know or what available information already exists) and what can be created (what we have yet to discover).

Sarah has helped us expand our relationship and redefine how we express intimacy through eroticism and kink. Through working with sarah, we have a much better framework for communication. Basically, she helped us spice up much more than just the bedroom!” —couple, 33 and 38.

MY EDUCATIONAL AND BACKGROUND EXPERIENCES in this field include, but are not limited to:

• Master of Cross-Cultural Social Work in Sexual Health Education from the Brown School of Social Work at Washington University in St. Louis.

• Certified Diversity and Inclusion Facilitrainer (facilitator+trainer) with NCCJ St. Louis.

• Developing and giving community presentations about sexual health.

• Cross-cultural sex education in Kenya and Uganda, where I collaborated and partnered with NGO's, schools, and community members to develop, implement, and facilitate sex education workshops called WHATS NOT SAID.

• Sex stores, where I hold space to affirm people in their desires and help them to navigate through them.

• Sexuality conferences and continuing ed with experts in the field.

• Completed a Sexual Attitude Reassessment (SAR) with the Institute of Sexuality and Intimacy, LLC.

• As a sex educator, I’ve worked with people across a variety of identities and ages locally, nationally, and globally.

• Improvisational theatre (or improv) where the performance is unscripted and unplanned. I find that improv skills and principles are transferrable to the sexual health field.

I’d like to explicitly say that I acknowledge the ways in how my identities may interact and overlap with each other to change my relationship to privilege and oppression. I accept that this may play a role in your decision to work with me or not and in how we may collaborate. I welcome further conversation about this as needed.

I’d also like to share with you my top six values:

• connection

• growth

• fun

• sex positivity

• curiosity

• creativity

These values are interwoven into what I do and who I am. I look forward to knowing yours.

my commitments to you

1. I will maintain a growth mindset. This means that I will invite feedback from you in a variety of ways. This also means that I am doing my own work alongside you, both personally and professionally.

2. I will take responsibility for my impact. If I did or said something that had you feeling harmed, such as committed a microaggression, I will listen deeply and ask for what you need in our repair.

3. I am committed to deeply understanding and seeing you. This means that I will listen to you free of judgment and contribute to your ability to uncover the root motivations of your behavior.

4. I will continue to strengthen and expand my ability to practice cultural humility. This means that if I am working with people who don’t share my culture, beliefs, values, identities, history, sexuality or stories I will do my work so that I can show up for you in a way that is needed.

5. I will continue to strengthen and expand my ability to practice trauma-informed coaching. I will do so through education, research and practice.

6. I will incorporate research and evidence into my coaching approach. This means that I am not making this stuff up or basing it only on my lived experience.

7. I am committed to the work in diversity and inclusion. This means that I will interweave the principles of diversity and inclusion into my approach to providing services.

8. I am committed to sex positivity. In other words, I won’t yuck your yum.

   SS Coaching is:

   • kink/BDSM informed and friendly

   • sex worker friendly

   • supporting of health at every size

   • friendly to all genders, sexual orientations, relationship structures, and disabilities.

9. I am committed to practicing what I stand for. I am committed to expanding, deepening, and diversifying my knowledge and skill base on a regular basis. 

10. I am committed to authenticity.

I am ignited by this work!

Consider this my invitation to you, should you choose to take it. You may contact me with any questions or thoughts, book a free consultation or dive right in and select a coaching option.